Anxiety and Loneliness

It’s the post-christmas lull where many people lose track of the days and make most of the time off work with family and friends. The focus is now on the penultimate event of the year, New Years Eve; what to wear? who’s going with who? who’s got the tickets? what time shall we get there? Or at least, that’s the assumption I make based on my social media feed. I wish I felt the buzz, I want to feel the buzz, the excitement, the drama. My boyfriend got us tickets to a small event in a familiar pub in town that I like but this doesn’t really help lower my anxiety. I have no close female friends besides my sister who lives almost 2 hours away and my mother, who is difficult sometimes and doesn’t understand how I feel and lives about 45 minutes away. I have a group of friends from uni but they’re mostly male and emotionally immature. During lulls like this, in-between work and being busy, I’m lost. My partner is at work. I want to be able to just meet a friend for a coffee/lunch but trying to make plans as simple as this is so hard. This morning, I knew today was going to be harder than yesterday (which I spent at home without getting dressed) so I attempted to contact a few people and posted an invite to our friendship group whatsapp. I got no replies, other than one which came about 2 hours after I asked and by this point I’d given up and sat in the bath for an unknown length of time. Sometimes when plans are made that I look forward to, I pull out at the last minute, for reasons I can’t put my finger on and hate myself for missing out.

I know I can call my parents or my sister (kindof) when I feel rough but something stops me. I think that if I start talking about how I feel I break down and it’s all real. When I talk to my boyfriend he says nothing, probably because he doesn’t know what to say. He just holds me. Which is sometimes all I need.

I see a councillor every Friday and I’m supposed to take anti-anxiety pills which do work wonders but I forget to take them and when I have to fetch my repeat prescription it takes what feels like an enormous fight with myself just to get out of the house to fetch them. I feel like no one understands how I feel no matter how many times I explain. I feel entirely alone in the world even when I know I’m not.

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